Why Shun Shunning?

At a recent dinner party my husband recounted a long ago incident which he remembers as me behaving rudely. When he spotted a former boyfriend of mine was at a restaurant where we were waiting for a table we kept our distance. It was our hope to avoid having to speak to this individual. Our plan almost succeeded. When this person barged up to our table asking if I knew he had married and thrusting his wedding ring under my nose I was taken aback. My reply was a bit unkind. I said, "No I didn't know you had gotten married and I never noticed what short stubby fingers you have". Now my former boyfriend was the one taken aback and he withdrew his ring clad hand as if it had been bitten.

I could have been nicer and I usually recommend erring on the side of kindness but do not regret my remark. This man had been a fairly rotten boyfriend. He and I were on a ski trip long ago the trip where I first learned to ski. We had been dating for a while at this time and we agreed that he would ski with his friends while I took skiing lessons. The deal was that if I learned to ski well enough to brave the blue ski runs after three days of lessons he would ski with me the last afternoon of our trip. I worked really hard to learn to ski and I made great progress. Then when the time came for us to ski together it just was not enough fun for him and he abandoned me.

There were other instances none really worth mentioning but eventually I decided the relationship had run it's course. I wrote a letter explaining exactly why I did not want to continue the relationship. Since people in our ski club were sure to notice we had split he brought an attractive young lady to the very next meeting. I don't recall her name and we never saw her again after that short appearance, she was after all only a prop. He did accomplish his goal. I was mildly humiliated and he was able to give the appearance that he had been the one who chose to move on from our relationship.

There was a time when it was considered part of one's societal responsibility to shun persons who had behaved badly. Before people became completely non-judgemental and learned that there would be no consequences to their actions people behaved better. Fifty years ago would Woody Allen have dared to marry his adopted daughter? He would have been turned away from "polite society" and told to never darken their doors again. Instead he explains "The heart wants what it wants" and gets to do exactly as he pleases with minimal criticism. When a man marries a woman young enough to be his daughter, and in this case one who was raised as his daughter, he is following one of his organs but it isn't his heart.

So, if Woody Allen rushes up to your table in a restaurant to show you his wedding ring feel free to be as rude to him as you like. You have my permission.